Realizing when it's over
I thought the end of a relationship would be signaled by the absence of love. There would be indifference or hate instead.
As always in life, things are never this clear-cut.
A relationship may end because we find ourselves unable to navigate through the challenging times together, despite still sharing strong emotions and memorable times.
My relationship has lasted 18 years. Over the last 3 years, the low points have been deeply hurtful to each side. We have deep love and care for each other in the good times. But in the difficult periods, we feel resentment fueled partly by the previous times we were hurt.
More Time Together, Less Understanding
In general, we think that we will understand each other better as time passes because we know so much about the other person. But surprises can put this understanding to the test.
If someone makes discoveries about themselves, this can lead to less understanding. The history we know about that person becomes a hindrance instead of a facilitator. We keep referring to a pattern of behavior that is no longer there. Or we remember events that happened during a painful transition.
I am separating from the woman who shared my life for 18 years because I have no more energy to weather the low points, argue, talk, analyze, convince - all the terms one would include as part of "working on a relationship". After some amount of "work", I believe a relationship should fit a natural configuration.
It should feel easy to talk about anything and do what we want to fulfill our version of a good life. Life partners should want each other to win. After some period of talking and attempts at understanding, we should configure a life where all can live worry-free and in a way that gives us meaning.
In the past few months, I have become much more aware of the passing of time. And I have less time to dwell on the past or fear the future. This perspective itself is difficult to apply if someone wants you to spend months in couple therapy or wait until a child grows up to do certain things.
Strangers bit by bit
She and I are not strangers. She is the person in the world that knows me the best. But she doesn't understand me nor trust me when I allow the explorer side of my personality to come to the fore. There is a peculiar mix of envy and helplessness because I choose to not be defined by circumstances and she feels tied up.
We are strangers in the now. We think differently about how to live life. We probably would not have met in our current versions. We would be in different social circles, different geographical locations, and different levels of introspection and reflection.
She wouldn't approve of this writing (but she will read this - Hi dear friend). Writing is a form of self-expression. I respect her wish for privacy and therefore I am sticking to general themes. I'm writing about separation. How can I write sincerely if I do not use my personal experiences? But she likely wouldn't understand this and this is another reflection of our differences in perspectives.
Conviction and compromise
In another peculiar twist, anything I chose to do after a disagreement of opinions was considered setting out a "my way or the highway" position. In a way, this is true if one wouldn't take into account all the talking and attempts at explaining and expressing ourselves.
This would be true too if a relationship were a negotiation and parties presented positions until the dreaded last offer by the party with the most bargaining power.
This would be true if a person hadn't attempted to live under "compromise" solutions and concluded that they do not feel happy.
If one part of the relationship considers following one's path as a selfish act, how can the relationship survive?
I believe that if we fight the inner lives we have, we end up with unhealthy frustrations. A form of self-care is to understand these inner flows and, when it matters, accept them rather than fight them. We should do so without hurting other people.
Exercising our freedom means taking responsibility for the consequences of those actions. Jean-Paul Sartre would even call the opposite, suppressing our desires and conforming to external expectations, as acting in bad faith. It is about the human tendency to deceive oneself to avoid this accountability to ourselves. In the majority of cases, especially for us living in the rich developed world, there are very few inescapable situations. We always have the power to act differently. This doesn't mean those choices will lead to a plain sailing life.
But if the basis for continuing in a relationship is to deny clearly expressed discoveries about oneself, is this sustainable? Some pain is inevitable if the stars do not align and a relationship or family configuration is not possible, given life circumstances.
So the end state of a relationship is not the opposite of the beginning. It is not always signaled by the absence of passion, love, or care. It may be that after some time, the required energy to pull through the difficult times and the light that usually shines in the middle of the tunnel are no longer there.
You touched my heart, Alex. I sensed you were sailing high waters, but your feelings traveled all the way down here through these words. It's tough. And to me, you're doing great despite the humongous change. Thanks for sharing such deep reflections—wishing you the best, friend
Thanks for sharing such deep, personal and courageous writing, Alex. Too often difficult feelings are buried away.
As difficult as it can be, sometimes, letting go of one thing is required to make space for another, more fulfilling.
Wishing you strength.